I GET TO GO HOME TODAY!!!!!
After my last class today that dismisses at 2:45, Bradley and I are headed home for Easter! I miss my family so much. It feels like we’re going on a vacation every time we pack up the car and head down I-40 East.
More on the wonderful-ness of this week, posted on Wednesday!
NanaDoll nominated me for the Sunshine Award! I don’t know anything about blog awards, but here are the rules:
Yesterday was so fun!! It was MUCH prettier outside than it is right now…
Morgan, Haley, 3mma (not a misspelling), Christian (Bradley’s roommate), and I all went to a farm that’s down the street from M & H’s house! The farm is owned by NC State and it’s open to the public once a year.
“I have trust issues…”
How often have girls said or heard this phrase? What does this reveal about the heart of the person who stated it?
I think it’s a cover-up; a wall. Girls use it all the time to create spiritual and/or emotional distance.
Essentially, we don’t want people to know us. We know us, and we know it’s not pretty. It’s much easier and more enjoyable for people to think we aren’t struggling; we don’t doubt; we don’t really sin.
Before I continue, I am not just talking about girls not wanting to scream, “I LOVE YOU!” to their first boyfriend a week after dating–that’s called common sense. I’m talking about girls, specifically, who only want to vacuum and never lint roll.
They run at the sound of any question about their relationship with their boyfriend–especially any question about the physicality of their relationship. What is behind this defense-mechanism is shame.
Of course they know that they are in sin, so they’re ashamed–but they don’t see Jesus as the ultimate rescuer, and so they refuse to let anyone in who might help them come to the throne empty-handed yet totally righteous.
And how do I know about all these defense-mechanisms? Because I used them too. Although I’ve never used the exact term “trust issues”, I have absolutely been guilty of making excuses for withholding truth about my relationships, my struggles, my doubts, and my heart–and it was stifling to my walk with Jesus and to my sanctification. In fact, becuase I was consistently unopened, it made crawling out of my habitual sin much more difficult.
By the grace of God alone, that period of time in my life did not last long–but it was certainly painful (so much so, that it nearly brings me to tears every time I think about how much I distanced myself from Jesus…not that tearing up is an uncommon thing for me). And I am so thankful that my sin was brought to light, addressed, and redeemed.
“‘…do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives.’ It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?”
I know several girls who deal with “trust issues” in conjunction with seeing their fathers as lacking. Absence, rejection, and sin of fathers often correlates with girls who cling to their boyfriends (and hurry to find another one after a break-up), and ferociously push away any accountability or honesty from other women/girls.
As we all know, correlation does not equal causality. And as Jesus tells us, sin done to us does not equal the right to sin–just look at the Cross for that one. Was/Is Jesus sinned against? Constantly by every person who ever lived, is living, and will live. Did he sin? Not at all. Did he even go so far as to pay the price for all that wickedness? It was His joy.
“Jesus…who for the joy that was set before Him endured the Cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
So let me be clear: No girl has an excuse to desire a boyfriend/husband more than Jesus; no girl has the right to blame their father for their “trust issues”.
Thank you, Daddy, for staying in our home, for never rejecting me, for being absolutely sinful and humbly repentant (and forgiving). You always used to tell me that you loved me but loved Mommie the most. My pride was always a little crushed and I honestly was confused by it–but now (I think) I understand.
You show me how my husband is supposed to think about me. You show me how my husband is supposed to love his children. You show me how my husband is supposed to labor arduously for our family (parents, in-laws, nieces, nephews, siblings, wife, and children). You show me how to seek Jesus after death has, very literally, stared you in the face.
I am grateful to witness your sin, experience your love and sacrifice, and be a product of your marriage. Thank you for not giving me a reason to withhold my heart from honest accountability. Thank you for not giving me “trust issues” with which to struggle.
You give me reasons to look to Jesus for complete satisfaction, and I wouldn’t trade you for the world. I am so glad God gave me to you.
Happy Chocolate Covered Raisins Day (yesterday)!
Here ya go, Mommie!
I mailed these items to my mom a few days ago in hopes that she would receive her chocolate covered raisins in time to celebrate this momumental holiday!
She did : ) And she sent me this picture:
Is she not the cutest?!
That woman loves chocolate covered raisins. I love that woman.
Living in a dorm, as we all know, has its drawbacks, but it really can be a wonderful place to temporarily reside. Case in point: NC State University.
Sitting on trash cans with the twins…
Discovering sweet, surprising notes from precious suitemates : )
Discovering sweet, surprising notes from precious Bradley : )
Eating Junior Mints from my Educational Psychology professor for perfect attendance.
…I promise I do more than eat.
Returning to school after Christmas break to find Lean Pockets literally frozen over…
Playing Mario Cart in Bradley and Christian’s room.
Reading good books.
Figuring out how to use cheap vacuums (speaking of cheap vacuums…)
Studying/struggling to apply Jesus’ Word.
Discovering just how disgusting the water is…
Early morning runs.
Not pictured: So. Much. Laughter. It’s great. Small group meetings (by far my favorite thing about my dorm room), March Madness, movie nights, letting my artistic suitemates do whatever they want with my hair (& loving it), actually studying, dancing (& lots of it), delirium, sleepovers, light-hearted conversations, deep discussions, agreements and disagreements, encouragement, tears, hurt, forgiveness and grace.
Grateful for the place God has me. He is in all and through all—I pray I continually let Him into all corners.
I am excited about NOT living in a dorm next year, however, to live with these three wonderfully fun, humbly gifted, absolutely beautiful girls who love Jesus:
It is easy to just let people vacuum over my life. Yes I am involved in my local church, yes I am making good grades, yes I have awesome friends and a wonderful godly man in my life…blah blah blah.
But in reality, I fail constantly at being an effective and equipping small group leader; I am not making straight A’s this semester; my friendships are encouraging and edifying, but we often do a terrible job at loving each other; my relationship with Bradley is certainly blissful and sanctifying, but it is also a cycle of loving, failing to love, repenting, apologizing, and looking to Jesus for complete satisfaction.
In reality, I am chock-full of shortcomings and sin. I can be “sweet” or even sacrificial, but in the depths of my sinful heart, I am prideful, self-centered, and controlling of myself and other people.
There is always something to be redeemed.
I’m doing “well” because the grace of Jesus covers all my crap—anything I do that’s “good” is because He who is good lives in me, not because I have conjured up goodness by myself.
Lint rollers are great inventions. Not only do they get nearly every grimy, nasty hair and piece of whatevers off my dorm room floor, they also show me exactly what has been hiding—as it is contrasted to the white sticky substance.
Discipleship, accountability, coffee—call it what you like. We, as followers of Jesus, need to be sharing our lives and hearts—our WHOLE lives and hearts—with older, godlier people (of the same gender) and believing peers. We are weak and need other people to speak truth into our lives.
I am incredibly grateful for God-fearing girlfriends…
and a wise woman with whom I engage in these conversations.
And we MUST be completely honest. Otherwise we’re just chatting and flaring our personalities.
Real brokenness, conviction, confession, repentance, and healing is FAR sweeter when it is shared and urged by people around me that love me. I need people consistently in my life with whom to share my life—thoughts, actions, passions, and situations—openly and honestly. Those people need to love me enough to not tell me what I want to hear. They need to be obedient in their own walk with Christ, so that they can be honest, discerning, and wise in their assessment of me and my walk with the Lord.
That’s why accountability, or even just raw honesty, is so hard—not only do you realize there’s a lot more sin there than you previously thought, but you also realize your old method wasn’t working like you thought it was. Or you’re already aware that your method isn’t working and you’re simply refusing to walk in complete repentance/struggling obedience—which is a much scarier place to be.
Vacuums are great for giving the illusion that my floor is clean; lint rollers are great for ensuring that my floor is not completely pure.
Bubbly conversations about surface-level struggles diminish the toxicity and presence of sin and suppress the Holy Spirit’s sanctification in my life and others’ lives.
Lint rolling over my life/my heart—raw openness, humility, and awareness of sin—leads me to a deeper love for and obedience to the God of the Gospel. When my eyes are opened to my wickedness, which is always more depraved than I think it is, it is easier to see how insanely gracious Jesus was to come and die for my depravity.
And I remember His resurrection and victorious cry: “It is finished.”
I can share my sin and shortcomings because I know how much I am loved by the all-holy God—because He loves me despite my failure. I want to share my sin because I love Him and want to reflect Him instead of myself.
Chip the vacuum. Bring on the lint roller.
Here’s a photo recap of my Spring Break:
I went home this week for a wonderful time at home.
Organizing my parents’ mail, and found my dad’s copy of the Carolina Alumni Review…sporting his favorite phrase 🙂
I drove Bradley to Whiteville to meet a friend and his dad to drive him to Durham, where he spent Thursday – Sunday doing inner-city ministry and learning from incredibly wise people. I can’t wait to read his notes!
He didn’t want to leave Gertie, his dog/first love.
She didn’t want him to leave either…
Unrestricted, unhurried time with Jesus.
One of my favorite things about coming home. Good food.
I also took Allie on a walk everyday. I called it Project: Make the Dog Not Fat.
Not pictured: Coffee dates and car rides with girlfriends. It is so cool to see how Christ is using each of our situations to draw us further into Himself and to grow our heart for His Gospel and His mission. I am so thankful for our church in RDU, and the implications of being told again and again of our need for Jesus.
Mostly not pictured: Lots of time with my parents, grandparents, Trey and Ashley. The difficulty of loving when it is hard. (When is it easy?) And my humbled heart.
Being a NC Teaching Fellow, fulfilling my requirements includes having ten hours (it is always, and should be, more) of field experience every semester. Field experience can be observing/volunteering in a classroom, tutoring, or working with outside-of-school academic programs. I much prefer time in a classroom–it has shown me, in an unique manner, the realities of school, teachers’ responsibilities, administrators, teaching strategies, students’ struggles, and adults’ efforts to alleviate issues.
On Monday and Tuesday I visited a Kindergarten classroom at a local school.
In this particular classroom, there was a student that had entered Kindergarten just the week prior–he was an Honduras native and an ESL student. *William had moved to America with his mother several ago.
Fortunately I have had awesome Spanish teachers in elementary school through high school, and so I was able to communicate with William-–read: I know some vocab words and know how to loosely form simple sentences/phrases. Fortunately, between me working closely with him and the luxury of having an ESL classmate who is bilingual in Spanish and English, William was able to complete most of his work.
Like any six-year-old, he loves running around on a playground. So going to “el parque” was the most exciting part of the day for William. On Monday, as the students were walking in a single-file line (I was walking with him and holding his hand…I’m a sucker), as soon as he saw the playground, he began pointing and yelling to me that he was going to go “…en el parque! En el parque, mizz Kayla!”
I could have died. His sweet face lit up as he squeezed my hand tighter.
The next day, as we were walking to the playground again, as soon as the slides and swings were in sight, he started shouting about “el parque” again. But this time he let go of my hand and bolted ahead toward the rock wall–yes, rock wall. Since when do public school playgrounds get rock walls? I was gypped.
As soon as I thanked the Door Holder for holding the gate door for me, the teacher’s assistant rushed over to me to “stop William!” Apparently, before he could reach the rock wall, William’s bladder failed him and he relieved himself…not in his pants.
Fortunately, by the time he was in my sight he was fastening his belt. I explained to him as best I could that “el parque no es el baño”, and that if he ever has to use the bathroom, he must go “en la escuela.” I then asked the bilingual student to make sure William knew that he could never use the bathroom outside, but must always use the restroom in the classroom. When William understood, I was asked to take him back to the classroom to tell his teacher what had happened.
On our long walk back to the classroom, I asked William again if he understood why we had to leave the playground. He did, and he replied “lo siento, mizz Kayla.” My heart broke as I assured him it would be okay and that no one was angry with him.
His teacher handled the situation and showed William where the bathroom was…she will be working with him on closing the door when he uses “el bano.”
I couldn’t help but think about this in a spiritual context. I like analogies, I’m sorry.
How many times does this happen in the church? In Christian homes? Where a child or a new believer is so excited about their salvation and Jesus’ work…the “basic” aspects of Christianity, and we shoot them down by telling them (or thinking) they are young and naive. We see them as spiritually inferior.
They get so thrilled they pee in their pants and we embarrass them and tell them to stop, when they simply naturally responded to how awesome Jesus is.
I want my kids to pee in their pants when I tell them the Gospel story.
I hope I never stifle my children’s joy over what Jesus has done for them. I pray I am humbled by their love for the Lord. May God grow a child-like love for Him in my heart.